I was asked by a reader to give some perspective on online dating. Since I've never personally done the online thing I asked some others to write up a little something. Today I'll give you the ladies perspective.
When the Gift and the Goods asked me to write this little blip about my experience with online dating, I thought where do I begin?? I was a young, relatively attractive, intelligent girl in graduate school in a female dominated field (while the program was co-ed, my options were slim between 50 year-old married men who were too sensitive to cheat or gay men, which I have too long of a broken hearted history with!). I was frustrated with the bar scene, and longed to go on a real date (an art that is lost in the college years). I checked out match.com a few times, and finally with the encouragement of my sister, I set up a profile. This was back in the day when it was free for a profile and free for IM chat. (The site changed during my experience, and by the end, I was a paying member.)
My first match date was a whirlwind experience. It was March of 2004. We chatted on IM for a week or two, and then decided to meet. He was shorter than me (and I am 5ft nothing!). The date was not what I expected… his personality was smaller than he was. It ended with the guy saying, “I am into you, but I will leave it up to you to call me.” No confidence, so I never called.
I didn’t give up hope after this experience. I went back to cruise the site and had 2 more years of online dating. Along the way the experiences ranged from good, bad, and ugly, to heartbreaking, enlightening, and downright hysterical. (I still have dating horror stories that are always a big hit in the social crowd.) Between my first match date and my last I had a rollercoaster experience and learned a few things along the way.
Here, in no particular order are some of the things that I have learned about online dating:
- The range of men on match.com was astounding. There really was someone for everyone out there.
- Surprisingly you know way more people on there than you thought. - People are really secretive about being on such sites. The friends and family members whose profiles I would come across never so much mentioned that they were on match. I even grilled one close friend about her dating life and asked if she would be interested in match (already knowing that she was on), and she said that she wouldn’t. (Turns out at this point, she was in another secretive relationship, with another women! They are now “out” still happily together)
- I will say, it was a great confidence booster, as I was never one to have guys come up to me at the bar (I think I give off an overly feminist, if you look at me the wrong way, I will kill you kind of vibe) but logging in everyday to winks and emails could become addicting.
- Some people’s insecurity and immaturity shine through email just as loudly as in person. If you “wink” at me, I do not owe you an explanation as to why I didn’t “wink” back or send an email. Please don’t send me an email telling me what a horrible person I am because you winked at me and emailed me 5 times, and I didn’t have the “respect” to respond. I think my non-reply was answer enough.
- By the end of my experience, the waiters at one particular Japanese restaurant were on to me! At the time this was a great first date spot, and I had become a pro. I think I taught 3 guys how to eat edamame.
- It was a great way to get out to new restaurants as well. It was nice to have someone to try new places with.
- It is difficult to date multiple people at once! I would often bring up one phone conversation with guy “A” while out with guy “B”. I would have to play it off like it was a conversation I had with a friend.
Other things I learned or want to share about dating:
- I was never out to get a free meal. In fact when I felt that a date was not going well, I would insist that I pay my half. Some guys would let me, which I was okay with, and others would not. Since I knew this wasn’t going anywhere, and I wouldn’t have the chance to buy them dinner another time, I felt guilty about this.
- Towards the end of the experience, I was dumped for the first time. (It was usually the other way around). I learned the invaluable lesson of how to gracefully let someone know that you are just not into them, and it has nothing to do with them as a person. I wish I had learned this earlier instead of just ignoring phone calls.
- Older guys play just as many games as the younger guys.
- For every crazy girl planning her wedding on the first date, there is a crazy guy doing the same.
- It is NEVER okay to tell a girl that you are going to “tame” her or to try to hold her hand while you walk her to the bathroom, or to ask if she would stab you with a fork if you tried to hold her hand while sitting on a couch watching a movie (what can I say, I am not a hand-holder).
- The post above was all one date!! The most horrible dates make the BEST stories.
- I thought I knew what I wanted and it took going out with a lot of guys to learn that I thought wrong.
- It takes a lot of strength to unlearn what you think and be open to new experiences.
- When you truly, deep down inside become comfortable being single, you find someone and then you have to figure out if you are ready to give up being single, which can be just a difficult.
In the spring of ‘06 I got an email from Joe. I found out that he worked with my good friend’s husband so I plied her for information: “Karen, he is soooooo not your type.. I mean, he was a muff-diver for Halloween.” I laughed and continued to talk to Joe - I figured these days I didn’t know what my type was anymore. After a few conversations on the phone, we decided to meet at a happy hour where our mutual friends would be. About two hours before the happy hour he called and asked if I wanted to get dinner first. We of course went to my favorite Japanese place. We discovered that we both love cheese (especially cream cheese) and that I ran past his house every day. He was the youngest guy that I had dated at 27 yrs old and I found that he didn’t play games, he called when he said he would, was polite and gentlemanly, without being condescending to women, and would disagree with me in a way that did not inspire a full out argument (a real skill with me!). I didn’t see visions of marriage in his eyes, and I think that he really loved my “wild” and outspoken ways. Oh, and he had no plans to “tame” me. I immediately stopped emailing people on match once I met Joe, and about a month down the road, I stopped cruising the site all together. Later on, I learned that he had winked at me a few times back in ‘04. I ignored those winks (I actually don’t remember them, but he insists that he did). I wonder if had met him in ‘04 would things be the same of different.
After almost 4 years or being together, I haven’t looked back.
Written by: “Small Wonder”
Come back tomorrow for the man's perspective.
