Rock and Roller; Cola Wars... I Can't Take It Anymore

For many soda is that one obstacle we cannot overcome. We know it’s ‘empty sugar calories’ (as my mom would say), but we can’t resolve to drinking water instead. Personally, I’ve kicked the soda happen for months at a time, but it always comes back. I’ve even resorted to trying diet sodas and these new zero calorie knock-offs that claim to have the same taste, but fail at delivering.

The reason I mention this is simple. I discovered something the other day that I thought should be shared.

Calories per 12oz. can of Coca-Cola – 100
Calories per 12oz. can of Pepsi – 150

That’s a HUGE difference. Especially if you drink as much as I do.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola has never used this as a marketing point, but it seems obvious to me. Especially in this time of organic, green and healthy overkill.

If anyone has connections at this global giant I’d be glad to share some ideas with them in return for some steady employment.

The 4-Hour Erection

We’ve all seen the Cialis commercials at this point, and we’ve all laughed at the potential for a 4-hour erection. But, I’ve got a few questions...

Who was the first guy to experience that side-effect? How did that go over? Was he home alone? I mean, I can’t really imagine his wife/girlfriend complaining…

In the commercial they tell you to see a doctor for this condition. How do they treat something like this? Is it just like in the pornos?! Is there a pill that counteracts erections?? If there is, shouldn’t we be giving that out in middle schools to all the embarassed 12 year old boys walking with their notebooks strategically placed?

Hot Chicks in Black and White Flicks

This is genius. I can't wait until they do the movie "300".



Be sure to check out http://secretsauce.tv. Pretty entertaining.

Weezer - Teenage Victory Song

Ok, so you all know who Weezer is at this point, but you likely have never heard this song. It's a B-side. In terms of my favorite Weezer songs it likely falls just below "Only In Dreams" and just above "Say It Ain't So".



I'm gonna bury you
I'm gonna bury you
I don't care what you do
As long as I approve

'Cause you don't know the way I feel
Spinning here inside this wheel
I've been waiting for so long
To sing my teenage victory song
Whoa Lord I'm comin' home

I'm gonna play all night
I'm gonna beat you right
And mash you in the nads
And kick you outta sight

'Cause you don't know the way I feel
Spinning here inside this wheel
I've been waiting for so long
To sing my teenage victory song
Whoa Lord I'm comin' home

C'mon everybody sing along
Lets make them feel dumb
'Cause they were wrong [they were wrong]
We'll dance and sing the night away [night away]
Say you'll stay

'Cause you don't know the way I feel
Spinning here inside this wheel
I've been waiting for so long
To sing my teenage victory song
Whoa Lord I'm comin' home

C'mon everybody sing along [sing along]
Lets make them feel dumb
'Cause they were wrong [they were wrong]
We'll dance and sing the night away [night away]
Say you'll stay

I'm gonna play all night
I'm gonna beat you right
And mash you in the nads
And kick you outta sight

'Cause you don't know the way I feel

"Once and For All'

I know it's an expression. I know it probably found its way into common venacular hundreds of years ago, when the english language was different, but why do we (including myself) say "once and for all"?

As it is said and written we all would appear, at least to me, to use it incorrectly. We use it to mean, more-or-less, 'finally'. For example: 'I am going to find out if she likes me once and for all'. But 'all' doesn't imply longevity, it implies quantity. Therefore this statement would seem to break down to "one time and for everyone".

Is the expression short for 'once and for alWAYS'? can you really abbreviate a sentence? Is that allowed?

Anyway, it just seems to me that 'once and for all' is something the Three Musketeers would say.

On the same note, why do people say 'for good' in context of 'forever'? For example: 'I am quitting college for good.' How did this expression come to be? Couldn't quitting college be considered 'bad'?

You Gotta Adapt

FROM THE NEWYORKER.COM

For Immediate Release
by Paul Simms
August 31, 2009

Alex Kerner (C.E.O., C.O.O., chairman, and president of Alex Kerner’s Personal Life, Inc.) announced today a wide-ranging restructuring of his imaginary company’s upper management.
Tim Williams, a member of the company in varying capacities for five years, has been promoted to Best Friend, and he will report directly to Kerner in all friendship-related matters.
“Tim has proved himself to be a solid guy who’s always up for whatever,” Kerner says. “During the past five years, I’ve watched him excel in every position he’s occupied. From Mere Acquaintance to Periodic Dinner Companion (In Groups of Four or More People) to Frequent Midweek Business-Lunch Cohort, Tim has consistently shown himself to be just the kind of person we’re looking for in a Best Friend.
“Tim’s willingness to charge midweek lunches to his expense account represents just one element in a strategic alliance that will be an asset for both of us far into the future.”
The former holder of the Best Friend position, Lou Solomon, will not be leaving the organization but, rather, will be transitioning into the newly created post of Independent Phone Acquaintance.
“As my Best Friend for the past few years, Lou has shepherded our outfit through more than a few successful endeavors,” Kerner says. “He was our point man on the Night I Puked in a Cab. He was a sage adviser on the Night I Lost One Shoe. And he was indispensable in quickly assembling a crisis-response team on the Night I Lost My Phone but Then We Found It in His Futon.
“Lou also pioneered the ‘poison pill’ defense, whereby we pretended to be Mutual Friends with Tom Monroe, a known dick, thus staving off a hostile-takeover attempt by Jack Houlihan & Friends, L.L.C.
“Drinking and Puking and Losing Things will always be a core part of our business,” Kerner says. “But, as we focus on diversifying into Non-Drinking and Puking and Losing Things-related areas, we feel that Lou’s skills can be put to better use elsewhere. Regardless, I look forward to speaking to Lou every once in a while on the phone if I’m not too busy for many years to come.”
Also affected in the restructuring is Solomon’s girlfriend, Kay Madison, who was increasingly involved in all of Kerner and Solomon’s activities, despite the fact that she technically reported solely to Solomon.
“I wish Kay all the best in her future endeavors,” Kerner says. “I know she was often frustrated by her lack of direct access to me—except through Lou—but I doubt that she’ll be without a solid friendship position for long, as there are many organizations out there looking for a bold, brassy, loud, and opinionated woman who is hell-bent on finding a way to insert herself into every aspect of the friendship structure.”
In a reshuffling move unrelated to the current streamlining, former Best Platonic Female Friend Lisa Mayberry has been summarily terminated from the organization for malfeasance involving telling Kerner’s ex-girlfriend details about Kerner’s current girlfriend.
“We hold all our employees—from Best Friend for Life, Emeritus, on down to ‘Hey, How You Doing, We Don’t Know Each Other’s Names, but We Live in the Same Building’-level Elevator Companions—to a strict standard of conduct,” Kerner says. “And there’s simply no room in this organization for a yappy gossip who I suspect was always just waiting for me to be between girlfriends and depressed so she could try to trick me into sleeping with her.”
Kerner is also exploring a possible merger with a onetime competitor, the Bill Schofield Group. Schofield’s assets include fairly good Knicks season tickets and at least one semi-famous friend.
“We’re not looking to steal Bill’s old college buddy Dan Abrams from him,” Kerner says. “But, if we could become friends with him as part of the bargain, that would represent a win-win for all involved.”
Also, Ahmed Humza—a seven-year veteran in the Friendly but Nameless Newsstand Operator post—has been promoted to the newly created position of Ahmed.
“I’ve been going to that same newsstand every day for seven years,” Kerner says. “I don’t know why, but recently I finally asked the guy what his name is. Though I doubt Ahmed will ever rise to the ‘You’re Allowed in My Apartment’ level of upper management, he will serve as a significant rhetorical asset to be used in arguments about terrorism when the other person says, ‘O.K., but I bet you don’t even have any Arab friends.’ ”
Finally, despite rumors to the contrary, Kerner has reaffirmed that Tom Monroe will continue to fill the post of That Dick.
“I found myself standing next to Tom at a party recently, and we had a cordial conversation,” Kerner says. “But anyone who says that we’re Friends—or even Mutual Tolerators—is sorely mistaken. I want nothing to do with that dick.” ♦

- Thanks for Norman S. for sending this along.

College Education

As students head back to college I feel it is appropriate to relay this message.

"You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does..." – Tom Petty

Mr. Petty may be a little over-the-top dramatic, but it's mostly valid. GPA's are over-rated, but credit debt, arrests, and STD's aren't. So have fun, but be careful.

For The Ladies - Wear It

Ladies... Speaking for all men, we do appreciate the little black dress, tight jeans, and the obvious garter belt. But, there are some 'everyday' items you can wear that we men find SEXY..

- Baseball hats. A baseball hat, for some reason, brings you down to earth and creates an air of approachability and that's appealing to us guys obviously. Pony tail sticking out of the back isn't necessary, but an added bonus. If the hat has a sports team logo it is also an added bonus. Showing team loyalty is something men can get down with.

- Sports Jerseys. I'm talking fitted not over-sized. There is nothing sexier than a girl that can appreciate sports. This is the best way for you to tell us, 'I'm the kind of girl that will watch the game with on Sunday'.

- Our shirt. You know what I'm talking about. There is something sexy about seeing a girl wearing our button-down shirt (open) the next morning. I guess it just kind of serves as a 'you're mine' kind of moment.

- Glasses. This may come as a shock to women, but a lot of men appreciate a girl in glasses. Maybe not all of the time, but certainly on occassion. Maybe it's that stereotype of education/sophistication. Maybe it's because it makes you seem less superficial. Regardless, it's a good look.

- Sweat Pants. Sweat Pants show that relaxed/comfortable side, which we men find appealing. The bottom line, however, is that we men know if things work out we'll likely see you in sweat pants more than anything else you own (despite the 10 pairs of jeans and 500 pairs of shoes you own). If you can pull off the sweatpants, our future looks bright.


DISCLAIMER- all sports wear (including hats and jerseys) should be in the color of the team. Please don't be fooled into buying pink sports gear. Pink says, 'this looks cute', not 'I'm willing to watch a game with you'.