You Gotta Adapt

FROM THE NEWYORKER.COM

For Immediate Release
by Paul Simms
August 31, 2009

Alex Kerner (C.E.O., C.O.O., chairman, and president of Alex Kerner’s Personal Life, Inc.) announced today a wide-ranging restructuring of his imaginary company’s upper management.
Tim Williams, a member of the company in varying capacities for five years, has been promoted to Best Friend, and he will report directly to Kerner in all friendship-related matters.
“Tim has proved himself to be a solid guy who’s always up for whatever,” Kerner says. “During the past five years, I’ve watched him excel in every position he’s occupied. From Mere Acquaintance to Periodic Dinner Companion (In Groups of Four or More People) to Frequent Midweek Business-Lunch Cohort, Tim has consistently shown himself to be just the kind of person we’re looking for in a Best Friend.
“Tim’s willingness to charge midweek lunches to his expense account represents just one element in a strategic alliance that will be an asset for both of us far into the future.”
The former holder of the Best Friend position, Lou Solomon, will not be leaving the organization but, rather, will be transitioning into the newly created post of Independent Phone Acquaintance.
“As my Best Friend for the past few years, Lou has shepherded our outfit through more than a few successful endeavors,” Kerner says. “He was our point man on the Night I Puked in a Cab. He was a sage adviser on the Night I Lost One Shoe. And he was indispensable in quickly assembling a crisis-response team on the Night I Lost My Phone but Then We Found It in His Futon.
“Lou also pioneered the ‘poison pill’ defense, whereby we pretended to be Mutual Friends with Tom Monroe, a known dick, thus staving off a hostile-takeover attempt by Jack Houlihan & Friends, L.L.C.
“Drinking and Puking and Losing Things will always be a core part of our business,” Kerner says. “But, as we focus on diversifying into Non-Drinking and Puking and Losing Things-related areas, we feel that Lou’s skills can be put to better use elsewhere. Regardless, I look forward to speaking to Lou every once in a while on the phone if I’m not too busy for many years to come.”
Also affected in the restructuring is Solomon’s girlfriend, Kay Madison, who was increasingly involved in all of Kerner and Solomon’s activities, despite the fact that she technically reported solely to Solomon.
“I wish Kay all the best in her future endeavors,” Kerner says. “I know she was often frustrated by her lack of direct access to me—except through Lou—but I doubt that she’ll be without a solid friendship position for long, as there are many organizations out there looking for a bold, brassy, loud, and opinionated woman who is hell-bent on finding a way to insert herself into every aspect of the friendship structure.”
In a reshuffling move unrelated to the current streamlining, former Best Platonic Female Friend Lisa Mayberry has been summarily terminated from the organization for malfeasance involving telling Kerner’s ex-girlfriend details about Kerner’s current girlfriend.
“We hold all our employees—from Best Friend for Life, Emeritus, on down to ‘Hey, How You Doing, We Don’t Know Each Other’s Names, but We Live in the Same Building’-level Elevator Companions—to a strict standard of conduct,” Kerner says. “And there’s simply no room in this organization for a yappy gossip who I suspect was always just waiting for me to be between girlfriends and depressed so she could try to trick me into sleeping with her.”
Kerner is also exploring a possible merger with a onetime competitor, the Bill Schofield Group. Schofield’s assets include fairly good Knicks season tickets and at least one semi-famous friend.
“We’re not looking to steal Bill’s old college buddy Dan Abrams from him,” Kerner says. “But, if we could become friends with him as part of the bargain, that would represent a win-win for all involved.”
Also, Ahmed Humza—a seven-year veteran in the Friendly but Nameless Newsstand Operator post—has been promoted to the newly created position of Ahmed.
“I’ve been going to that same newsstand every day for seven years,” Kerner says. “I don’t know why, but recently I finally asked the guy what his name is. Though I doubt Ahmed will ever rise to the ‘You’re Allowed in My Apartment’ level of upper management, he will serve as a significant rhetorical asset to be used in arguments about terrorism when the other person says, ‘O.K., but I bet you don’t even have any Arab friends.’ ”
Finally, despite rumors to the contrary, Kerner has reaffirmed that Tom Monroe will continue to fill the post of That Dick.
“I found myself standing next to Tom at a party recently, and we had a cordial conversation,” Kerner says. “But anyone who says that we’re Friends—or even Mutual Tolerators—is sorely mistaken. I want nothing to do with that dick.” ♦

- Thanks for Norman S. for sending this along.