Last night the issue of setting up friends became a topic of importance. Now, for guys, setting up friends is relatively straight forward. "Dude, I think she likes you" or "Take a shot"... BUT, for ladies (as with everything) it's a whole nother situation. With ladies it's not straight forward. It's about the games.
If a girl is trying to set a guy up with her good female friend she inevitably promises to "talk you up" and make a good impression for the guy. But, this is the kiss of death. Girls (like guys) like what they can't have.. or at least like the chase (at least a little). Talking up a guy to your female friend is like saying "yeah, he's totally into you and this is why you should like him back.". It screams "he's desperate and you're single". It makes both parties look less than awesome.
Rather than that, here's some advice... The key is to talk up the girl. Tell your female friend that she's awesome. That she's worthy. That maybe she has the chance. This makes that female friend think the guy is a catch without actually saying it. It also allows the guy to make the REAL first move - allowing for the "thrill of the chase" and even more importantly it doesn't leave either feeling like it was a set-up...
*I know some of you are agreeing with me and yet others (who know I'm right - or eventually will) are questioning my expertise. Well, here it is... I'm that guy. Or rather, I've been that guy. I've been in the friend zone.. WAY too often. But, it has allowed me to see the inner workings. I know what I know.. and what I know is legit. (Still, I'm totally open to your feedback -positive or negative)
** And of course, I admit this is GENERALLY speaking... (as is everything I post on this blog.)
Friday, March 18, 2011
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I respectfully disagree....
ReplyDeleteThe problem is, most guys are too stupid, stubborn or just plain shy to "make the REAL first move." Additionally, sometimes people have friends from different social circles that may be a match, but the only circumstance where they would interact would be a 'set-up' or 'blind' date.
'Talking up' a friend has worked for centuries, and it continues to work today because we all inherently trust our good friends. If a friend suggests that two of their friends may be compatible, each friend should take that as an act of goodwill with genuine intent. The only thing that screams "he's desperate" would be the guy's attitude once that set-up, or blind date, began.
Ending up in the 'friend zone' has nothing to do with how the parties were introduced, but rather how they interact once they meet. Sometimes, admittedly, the friend that introduced them was wrong and it didn't go as well as they thought, and sometimes there is no physical attraction or things just don't work. But sometimes they do work, and as the saying goes - they live happily ever after.
But the other scenario is that maybe they are a good match, but the guy goes into it thinking that she thinks he's desperate and doesn't put his best foot forward, or cynically blows it off before it has a chance to progress. At this point, the woman is now turned off, and what may have been a budding relationship, just turned sour.
The blame of a failed attempted relationship cannot be placed on the those who act as matchmakers with pure intentions. Doing so discourages the matchmaker from future pairings and possibly ruins a friendship.
I guess in the end, what I'm trying to say is that going into things with an open mind, and a willingness to see how things could turn out, is a good thing. The worst that can happen is that you have a boring date that doesn't work out, and you're out $40. But the flip side to that coin has great potential.
John - thank you for your feedback. You certainly make valid points!
ReplyDeletePerhaps I should have put in another disclaimer that may clarified my position....
*This post is referring specifically to the mid-night out "setup". This is when everybody is already out and drinking and 1 of the parties involved likely doesn't know they are being set up.
The official set up/"blind date" situation is of course different (as you mentioned), but in those cases I don't even see the need to "talk anyone up". Just let them go out and get to know each other and see what happens.
Additionally, my "friend zone" comment was not referring to the rest of the post, but rather to indicate that I have many female friends to go along with my guy friends and I have seen these situations over and over again. You are absolutely right about the way each party handles things (the setup, the date, etc.) in terms of how the "relationship" plays out!