Online Dating Part 1

I was asked by a reader to give some perspective on online dating.  Since I've never personally done the online thing I asked some others to write up a little something.  Today I'll give you the ladies perspective.


When the Gift and the Goods asked me to write this little blip about my experience with online dating, I thought where do I begin?? I was a young, relatively attractive, intelligent girl in graduate school in a female dominated field (while the program was co-ed, my options were slim between 50 year-old married men who were too sensitive to cheat or gay men, which I have too long of a broken hearted history with!). I was frustrated with the bar scene, and longed to go on a real date (an art that is lost in the college years). I checked out match.com a few times, and finally with the encouragement of my sister, I set up a profile. This was back in the day when it was free for a profile and free for IM chat. (The site changed during my experience, and by the end, I was a paying member.)

My first match date was a whirlwind experience. It was March of 2004. We chatted on IM for a week or two, and then decided to meet. He was shorter than me (and I am 5ft nothing!). The date was not what I expected… his personality was smaller than he was. It ended with the guy saying, “I am into you, but I will leave it up to you to call me.” No confidence, so I never called.

I didn’t give up hope after this experience. I went back to cruise the site and had 2 more years of online dating. Along the way the experiences ranged from good, bad, and ugly, to heartbreaking, enlightening, and downright hysterical. (I still have dating horror stories that are always a big hit in the social crowd.) Between my first match date and my last I had a rollercoaster experience and learned a few things along the way.

Here, in no particular order are some of the things that I have learned about online dating:

• The range of men on match.com was astounding. There really was someone for everyone out there.
• Surprisingly you know way more people on there than you thought. - People are really secretive about being on such sites. The friends and family members whose profiles I would come across never so much mentioned that they were on match. I even grilled one close friend about her dating life and asked if she would be interested in match (already knowing that she was on), and she said that she wouldn’t. (Turns out at this point, she was in another secretive relationship, with another women! They are now “out” still happily together)
• I will say, it was a great confidence booster, as I was never one to have guys come up to me at the bar (I think I give off an overly feminist, if you look at me the wrong way, I will kill you kind of vibe) but logging in everyday to winks and emails could become addicting.
• Some people’s insecurity and immaturity shine through email just as loudly as in person. If you “wink” at me, I do not owe you an explanation as to why I didn’t “wink” back or send an email. Please don’t send me an email telling me what a horrible person I am because you winked at me and emailed me 5 times, and I didn’t have the “respect” to respond. I think my non-reply was answer enough.
• By the end of my experience, the waiters at one particular Japanese restaurant were on to me! At the time this was a great first date spot, and I had become a pro. I think I taught 3 guys how to eat edamame.
• It was a great way to get out to new restaurants as well. It was nice to have someone to try new places with.
• It is difficult to date multiple people at once! I would often bring up one phone conversation with guy “A” while out with guy “B”. I would have to play it off like it was a conversation I had with a friend.

 Other things I learned or want to share about dating:

• I was never out to get a free meal. In fact when I felt that a date was not going well, I would insist that I pay my half. Some guys would let me, which I was okay with, and others would not. Since I knew this wasn’t going anywhere, and I wouldn’t have the chance to buy them dinner another time, I felt guilty about this.
• Towards the end of the experience, I was dumped for the first time. (It was usually the other way around). I learned the invaluable lesson of how to gracefully let someone know that you are just not into them, and it has nothing to do with them as a person. I wish I had learned this earlier instead of just ignoring phone calls.
• Older guys play just as many games as the younger guys.
• For every crazy girl planning her wedding on the first date, there is a crazy guy doing the same.
• It is NEVER okay to tell a girl that you are going to “tame” her or to try to hold her hand while you walk her to the bathroom, or to ask if she would stab you with a fork if you tried to hold her hand while sitting on a couch watching a movie (what can I say, I am not a hand-holder).
• The post above was all one date!! The most horrible dates make the BEST stories.
• I thought I knew what I wanted and it took going out with a lot of guys to learn that I thought wrong.
• It takes a lot of strength to unlearn what you think and be open to new experiences.
• When you truly, deep down inside become comfortable being single, you find someone and then you have to figure out if you are ready to give up being single, which can be just a difficult.

In the spring of ‘06 I got an email from Joe. I found out that he worked with my good friend’s husband so I plied her for information: “Karen, he is soooooo not your type.. I mean, he was a muff-diver for Halloween.” I laughed and continued to talk to Joe - I figured these days I didn’t know what my type was anymore. After a few conversations on the phone, we decided to meet at a happy hour where our mutual friends would be. About two hours before the happy hour he called and asked if I wanted to get dinner first. We of course went to my favorite Japanese place. We discovered that we both love cheese (especially cream cheese) and that I ran past his house every day. He was the youngest guy that I had dated at 27 yrs old and I found that he didn’t play games, he called when he said he would, was polite and gentlemanly, without being condescending to women, and would disagree with me in a way that did not inspire a full out argument (a real skill with me!). I didn’t see visions of marriage in his eyes, and I think that he really loved my “wild” and outspoken ways. Oh, and he had no plans to “tame” me. I immediately stopped emailing people on match once I met Joe, and about a month down the road, I stopped cruising the site all together. Later on, I learned that he had winked at me a few times back in ‘04. I ignored those winks (I actually don’t remember them, but he insists that he did). I wonder if had met him in ‘04 would things be the same of different.
After almost 4 years or being together, I haven’t looked back.

Written by: “Small Wonder”

Come back tomorrow for the man's perspective.

Dating 101

I was asked by one of my readers to get into the merits of online dating.  While I personally have no experience in this department, I know several people who have done the online thing.  I have recruited two such people (one male and one female) to give a little insight.  Next week I will post their commentary. 

In prelude, please enjoy this hilarious (and all too true) quote from Vince Vaughn's character in 'Wedding Crashers'.

“You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels.”

Look At Me! Look At Me!

I'm on TV...

Ego TV.

http://egotvonline.com/2010/01/13/gym-etiquette/  - Check out the 'by line' on that bad boy..

Click the link.  Tell your friends to click the link.. Tell me what you think.  Tell Ego what you think..

For the Ladies - Make It Happen

There's a saying I heard a while back that I don't totally remember and that I can't find readily on Google.  BUT, the message was something to the effect of: 'love is when two people are completely content sitting in silence.'  In essence, it's when the silences are no longer awkward; when you can sit next to each other and not feel the need to force a conversation; when you don't need to impress your partner and you're not worried about what he/she is thinking. 

Unfortunately, there are a lot of dates before two people feel this comfortable, and in the mean-time there are inevitably going to be awkward silences.  Whether it's a first date or the first time meeting the parents, or the first 'morning after' there is no avoiding these 'what do I say, what do I do' moments. 

Luckily ladies, I'm here for you.

Sure, you could try to talk about sports or cars or any of the other generic and stereotypical things you think all guys are into, but I've got something better. 

A few days ago I posted a list of comedies.  Learn the quotes to any of these (or other major) movies.  Men live by movie and television quotes.  Whether inspirational or funny or just a tag-line, there is something about quotes that just get stuck in our brains.  How many times have you overheard a group of guys just going back and forth with movie quotes?  Or seen them posted as facebook statuses?  Quoting a movie opens the door to a return quote, a conversation about the movie, a discussion of the quotes meaning, or something else entirely.  If there is nothing else my blog has told you, the one thing you can take from it is that there is a quote for every purpose or every time.  And there are few things that have the ability to seemlessly break silences like a good movie quote.

Look What We've Started

The fan base of The Gift and The Goods continues to impress me.

- Thank you Rols for sending this along.

Servings Per Container

I was in Target and browsing through the frozen food section to see if there was anything on sale or anything that caught my eye.  I hadn't had a chicken pot pie since I was a kid and it seemed like the kind of comfort food I could get into, so I picked one up.  - Now, I'm not the healthiest guy alive, but I try to take care of myself. I go to the gym regularly and I eat my fruits and vegetables. I don't count calories, but I try to keep track of what I put into my body.  - So, as I'm getting ready to throw the pot pie into the oven I quickly browse the nutrition information on the back of the box.  I am not naive enough to think something made of cream soup and pie crust is gonna be healthy, so I wasn't too shocked to see the calorie content around 500.  I was, however, SHOCKED when I realized that it was 500+ calories per serving.  Why was I shocked?  Because according to Marie Calendar, who produced this frozen pot pie, there were 2 servings in the box.  Excuse me? 
SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW YOU DIVIDE A CHICKEN POT PIE INTO MULTIPLE SERVINGS.  It's not like a pizza pie that you can cut into slices.  If I cut a pot pie into 2 servings the filling is gonna run all over the place.  And once it's cooked you can't refrigerate the half you don't eat and reheat it later (it will turn to mush).. Marie Calendar knows this.  I know it's a marketing ploy so the average consumer won't notice they are about to indulge in a 1000 calorie meal, but its nonsense. 
It's one thing for Entenmanns to say a serving size is 3 cookies knowing full well the average person is gonna eat more than that, but it's a whole nother to be asked to cut the cookie in 2.

Needless to say, this caloric mess is still in my freezer, just waiting until I'm desperate enough.

I guess the moral here is that everyone should pay attention to what they buy and what they put in their bodies.  'Cause the manufacturers won't.

Bear Necessities

OK.  I promise this will be the last quote for a while.. But, I've been saving this one just for today.  In honor of the BCS Championship game between Alabama and Texas this evening.

"Never quit. It is the easiest cop-out in the world. Set a goal and don't quit until you attain it. When you do attain it, set another goal, and don't quit until you reach it. Never quit." - Paul "Bear" Bryant (former coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide football team)

Making the New Year the Best Year

As promised some quotes to inspire a better year.

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” - Will Rogers

“Things may come to those who wait but only the things left by those who hustle.” - Abraham Lincoln

"If the point of life is the same as the point of a story, the point of life is character transformation." - Don Miller

“I’m convinced wondering ‘what-if’ is the worst thing there is..
...So I just try,
Fail and try and try again,
Someday I swear I'm going to get it,
Because I'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is..." – straylight run

"It's ok to feel like shit.. because beautiful things grow out of shit.  Just look at roses." - Paraphrased from 'Joe's Apartment'
 
“If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.” - Herodotus, 484 BC-430 BC

Set It Off

Don't worry.  I won't let this blog turn into some 'personal improvement' website.  But, as I've said, I like quotes, and recently I've come across some that seem really fitting as we all dive into this new year.

Below are some quotes about the past.  Tomorrow (or sometime soon) I'll post some quotes about the present and/or the future. 

“Regret is an odd emotion because it comes only upon reflection. Regret lacks immediacy, and so its power seldom influences events when it could do some good.” - William O'Rourke

“So I guess I'll cut my losses cuz I lost a lot
I guess I'll quit complaining and I'll starting walking it off
Because there is no point in living in a past with that unhappiness” – Straylight Run (Cut! Print It)

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third, by experience, which is the most bitter.” - Confucius
 
“We see things not as they are, but as we are. Our perception is shaped by our previous experiences.” - Dennis Kimbro
 
“...the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it.” - The Lion King
 
“The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” - Voltaire



- Do any of you have quotes/thoughts that you'd like to share?

Jimmy Eat World - Kill

I've tried to keep this blog from getting too personal... I mean, it's my blog and I'm the only writer so of course it's going to have a lot of my personality in it, but I've tried to keep it pretty much free from my actual life - from the ups and downs. Today I'm going to change that a little.

In the hopes to get a fresh start in 2010 I'm going to be spending the next few days exorcising my demons and getting myself in the right mentality to take on the new year.  I'm going to bring you along for the ride.

In the years to come, when I look back on 2009 I'm undoubtedly going to hear this song in my head.  In my life, no song has ever struck such a chord with me.  In the future hopefully this song will serve as a reminder of how weak I became and push me to be a stronger person.